As all these projects in personal progress come to be, all these changes I've set up for myself, my stomach starts in, and day by day it turns more sour. I just couldn't figure out why. Then I became restless in my sleep, so I began to question. Is there something I'm missing, maybe something I'm afraid of but in unawares? I took this to the Lord in prayer and then laid in my bed at night, sorting my thoughts, and compartmentalizing what that might be. My new calling? no. Going back to school? no. Losing my writing? no. Falling short in home and family? no. Other church duties? no. My writer opportunities? no. But when I put it all together--yes.
I knew instantly I'd been biting on too much at once--as with a mouthful of heavy meat that would cause one to choke if swallowed.
Teaching early morning seminary + time for proper preparation to be a successful teacher+ returning to college full time+ 2 hrs study to every hour in class to be that successful student+ home upkeep and family attentions and J's own schooling and being present when Dave is out of town to be a successful wife and mother+ J's now more serious evening ballroom dance classes/ performances + mutual to be a successful support for my daughter+ visiting/ home teaching to be a successful friend +putting in daily writing time and getting myself and books out there to be a successful writer= a feeling I needed to seek out wisdom from Dad, and a knowledge it's not adding up right. Things were already slipping through the cracks.
I adore my Dad Ries. We sat down with my school schedule and he showed me that without anything else my classes equalled a 40 hr. work week alone. He showed me going back to school for me at this stage, is now more about enlightenment than a needed degree for a sustaining career. Beloved Mom Ries showed me how much work I've yet to do just here at home, within my own family and how I needed to guard that time for Jenn. In their wisdom, I cut classes back to where I can ease into education and maintain that happy balance. It was good.
Today in seminary inservice, we played with scripture mastery ideas. Back in the day we called it "Scripture Chase." We didn't have to memorize the scriptures, but locate them and understand them. From the day I learned the key words, "line upon line," I internalized them. That same scripture chase message serves me now as it did then. "...giving line upon line, precept by precept here a little and there a little..."
We learn line upon line in this life, unexpected to do it all, unexpected to be it all, unexpected to have limitless expectation all at once. I don't think I'm ever going to be an editor. I don't even know that I'll teach writing in a community college setting. I do know that I'm going to teach teens about some of the most plain and precious truths available to man. I've no idea what is planned for me after that, if I'll ever have a degree. I may have missed that boat altogether now, time will tell...--but my favorite scripture is in this year's scripture mastery.
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy path."
That's good enough for me.
My individual worth project, to prepare for seminary teaching, my knowledge project, to investigate, make preparations, and enroll in college, and my divine nature value #8, to host a foreign exchange student are now complete. (Though the latter was more like welcoming an unknown family member.) We truly learned to love and adore Clara, who came to us from France.
The lesson I've learned here is--goals don't always turn out as we foresee. There's lessons learned in the process. Sometimes we have to fail and learn to fail better, and the lesson there is that it's okay.
